Emotional ramble

Iam angry Iam upset Iam disappointed not with or coz or sumone it's coz of myself...I feel incapable of expressing my anger towards others. I feel so angry when ppl I love hurt me...it pains my heart when they knw it hurt me but stil don't do anything about it...it makes my heart ache when they igonr my desire to talk out...

How can they tel me they knw me that they love me that they care about me when they can't judge between my geniune smile and a fake one...

Why in first place do I have to give that fake smile to the ppl I love...why can't I just have a clear head...I blame myself for not getting things clear...it feels like Iam cheating them by not showing rite emotions.. But it's Soo hard to do that...it's so hard to pour my heart out to someone...it's the fear of being misunderstood the fear of hurting them without the intention is paining me so much...its making me Soo emotional al the time i just feel like crying when evr Iam alone

I don't want to be with ppl with anyone but the loneliness is not the best thing I feel. I am feeling like strangling sumthng. But I don't knw or understand y iam feeling this way. I mean Iam happy but again I knw Iam missing on something but Iam unable to pin point...my life is so stagnant from I don't when I want to do something about it but Idk what to do its just frustrating me even more...

Even tiny things r tricking me...bloody workout would make me happy but now how much ever I workout its not helping...meeting friends is out of question..it's frustrating me how my best friends who I did so much for is just not the same...I know I shouldn't b taking it in wrong way but it's annoying nevertheless...

I thought about getting myself busy in some work but again let's face it Iam too lazy to strt working again or even down the line I think Iam scrd about it...Idk what it is n that's so annoying...

I think Iam thinking too much into in n I should ask my brain to shut the fuck up but it just doesn't.

I don't knw why Iam publishn this here...but Iam convincing myself saying I'll read this in years to come n laugh so for the sake of that laugh...to my future self *congrats you have better worries now*